While I appreciated the highly attractive flirting of Ninon and Athos and the complete failure of Athos to actually be romantic on a date that doesn’t include his three male best friends (and Aramis being a philosophical flirt before the Queen came along and sort of ~feelings~ at him) what I really want now is fic of the lesbian witchcraft that apparently takes place in really amazing private libraries in Paris.
(I’m sure that’s just a time period thing. Witchcraft lesbianism probably takes place in public libraries in Paris now ;P)
An episode where the Cardinal tries to eradicate all the evil rich lesbians with wonderful hair and gravity-defying cleavage, but fails because all the women band together and fight the lesbian cause simply because he’s being an ass and assuming enlightenment = GAAAAAY.
The Cardinal would mutter under his breath about unnatural acts and Milady would accidentally stab him with a hairpin every single time, but he knows he can’t come out and publicly condemn all the BLATANT LESBIANISM I MEAN ATTRACTIVE WOMEN TALKING ABOUT ANCIENT GREEK IS JUST GOING TO TURN INTO HOMOEROTIC TENSION THAT WILL SPEW OUT EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE IN THE SEMINARY- the Cardinal knows what an education does to people and has a discreet young man with a house paid for entirely by the cardinal who speaks Latin whilst doing filthy things with his hands- but unfortunately the king won’t hear a word about the countess and her friends. Especially because the Queen attends her salon every so often and the king likes having the palace to himself and pretending to sword-fight the portraits of any ancestors a bit too Spanish for his tastes and getting the cardinal to let him wear his father’s ceremonial sword.
Milady would totally start an orgy one day because if she’s going to investigate lesbians then she’s going to get sex out of it. And then she goes and reports everything to the cardinal in intimate detail, while he’s hungover, and talks about rapture and cunning tongues whilst making no attempt to cover the bite mark on her collarbone and the cardinal lies his head on the desk and wonders if calling for a guard to take her away and kill her would make his head hurt any less and wonders if having a pet assassin was worth all this trouble.
Also Constance should keep D’Artagnan as a sex slave and never let him come whilst her husband is in the house because the boy gets loud. When D’Artagnan complains to his friends Porthos laughs himself sick, Athos decides to finish off the entire bottle of wine who cares if it’s still daylight outside there’s not enough alcohol in the world, and Aramis offers to help D’Artagnan with his discipline problems *leers*